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George Clooney votes in Iraqi Election

By Iraq Correspondent, Peerin Mycrotch

"I will not tolerate terrorism" - George Clooney

Academy Award winner, George Clooney, revealed today that he has officially voted in the Iraqi elections this year.

The Hollywood star humbly discussed his experience with E! News last night after being spotted walking the streets of Baghdad with purple stains on his fingers.

“It was so organic,” the Up In The Air lead man disclosed. “It just felt right. I always knew that democracy would catch on, just like I knew AIDS would in the 80’s.”

But the seemingly casual trip to the troubled Middle Eastern country was marred by an experience the 64-year-old legend says he will “never forget.”

“I was just registering my vote – for Ayad Allawi – when I overheard a conversation, a secret conversation between two dodgy looking terrorist types,” Clooney revealed in the interview. “I knew in my gut – though it may have been communicated directly to me from God himself – that something was up. The next thing I know I’m on top of them both, and we’re writhing around. They were completely unarmed, but I think I made my point. I will NOT tolerate terrorism.”

I would urge everyone to vote in every general election they can,” he closed.

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Haiti accuse Chile of plagiarism – Special report

"They are truly shameless"

By Neill Hammer

Haiti President René Préval has accused the nation of Chile of plagiarism, it was confirmed this morning.

Preval claimed that Chile “shamelessly” stole their idea, which was orchestrated to great effect earlier this year, and was furious at the thought that the latest earthquake will “steal Haiti’s thunder.”

“We managed to make the most of what we had,” said Preval, referring to the quake’s magnitude of just 7.0 on the Richter scale. “And now they come along with an 8.8 and expect us to just lie down and take it? Like kick in face [sic]?”

The earthquake in Chile has so far only managed to claim the lives of just under 800 people, a far cry from the 230,000 lives taken by that of Haiti’s, but it is thought that another few dozen are so far unaccounted for. Despite the clear numerical superiority, Haiti president Preval has declared his disgust at the actions of the Chilean government, who he believes are: “allowing looting and crime in order to raise the profile of the event.”

“It makes me sick to think that they [Chile] are attempting to do this,” the president stated. “And now a night-time curfew? They’ll do anything, they are truly shameless.”

A few weeks ago Haiti celebrated with a pop concert and celebrity telethon, which included the likes of George Clooney, Rihanna and U2’s Bono. It is thought that Chile might attempt to throw their very own party in the coming weeks, which is so far rumoured to have gained the support of Hanson, Ricky Martin, Darius and Matt Willis of ‘Busted’ fame.

“Chances like this happen very rarely,” Matt Willis said in an interview on Heart radio this morning. “This could be the opportunity I need to get my career back on track. I’ve always been a humble soul, and I consider myself to be very lucky that this has all happened.”

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Kerry Katona to be released back into the wild

By Foshey Cloot

Kerry Katona: Moooooving back into the wild

Portly supermarket hostess Kerry Katona is to be released back into the wild this week, after protestors successfully lobbied for her freedom.

The former face of Iceland has grown too accostomed to the trappings of humankind, activists say, leading to her abuse of narcotics, alcohol and minicab drivers.

“Kerry has been kept in captivity for too long,” said one campaigner, ‘Swampy’. “In her natural habitat, she’d be snouting around the woods for truffles, bathing in mud or suckling her young in a forest glade.”

“I was worried it might be too late and she might have forgotten her natural instincts, but then you watch her knocking seven shades of shite out of her husband and you realise some natural instincts can’t be tamed,” Swampy continued. “It’s a beautiful thing.”

Naturalists have already prepared a small area of the New Forest ready for Kerry’s introduction to the habitat.

To ease the transition, Kerry will have one Chinese takeway delivered to her every other day, with the frequency of deliveries slowly diminised until she is weaned off her dependence entirely.

Small quantities of cocaine and vodka will also be dispatched to Kerry in the forest, to help her settle in and make friends with other woodland inhabitants –  especially important as mating season begins.

If the scheme is a success, other celebrities failing to integrate with humankind could be released back into the wild too. Scientists are rumoured to be considering dumping Susan Boyle off the side of a frigate into the Antarctic Ocean, hoping she will find a mate amongst colony of elephant seals.

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Jordan leaves a floater – on the London Stock Exchange!

By Urethra Chakraborti

Kicking up a stink: Katie Price

Pneumatic reality strumpet Katie Price will be kicking up a real STINK at the London Stock Exchange this afternoon, after revealing she will be FLOATING her own bowel movements on the stock market.

The former glamour model has found a way to market her alimentary excretia, which she promises will leave investors shaken, not s-TURD.

“What Katy Did Plc.” is Price’s new money-spinning venture, which could stand to make Katie PILES – of cash, that is!

The public limited company will offer a full range of products fresh out of Jordan’s hairy eye – from “Katie’s Sweetcorn Surprise” peanut butter, to “Dodgy Holiday Buffet” body lotion and matching “Eye of a Needle” facial spritz.

Users of the products might not come up smelling of roses, but will certainly be BOWELLED over!

The luxe version of the line will include solid gold casts of Katie’s brown eggs, proving to consumers that you really CAN polish a turd – if it’s a gilded one!

“Well, I thought if people are stupid enough to buy all the old shit I flog in Matalan and Argos, they might as well be buying the real thing,” said Katie, speaking candidly on the factory floor, yesterday, while squatting over a plastic bucket proffered by a grinning lackey.

“Having people constantly licking my arse used to bother me, but now I’m shitting all the way to the bank!”

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Ashley Cole splits from wife Cheryl

By Shooter McYiddy

Ashley and Becks at a local 'Chariots' steambath

Ashley Cole’s spokesman has officially announced that the Chelsea FC defender will WALK OUT on wife Cheryl upon her return from Los Angeles, after a rocky three-and-a-half year marriage.

Ashley is said to be devastated by his decision, but maintains: “It was a necessary step. In the end  I just couldn’t find happiness with Cheryl.”

The England footballer also told of how he distrusted Cheryl with all his secrets, because he FEARED she would judge him and make him feel bad about them.

“When I told her about the sexy texts she went insane,” Ashley said, visibly drained of emotion. “I couldn’t trust her with even the slightest bit of banter. She always reacted badly.”

Ashley and his fellow Chelsea teammates apparently joke about his sex life all the time, at one point giving him a bottle of Tesco red wine when he reached ’50 while married’, a milestone only John Terry had previously managed.

“I just wish she had a sense of humour,” Ashley retorted. “It would be nice to laugh about these things.”

Cheryl was unavailable for comment, but it said to be unreasonable and boring.

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David Cameron gives bullies the CHOP

By Vaginal Dryness-Smith

Hi-ya! - David Cameron to take Karate lessons

Opposition leader David Cameron is to begin karate lessons this week, in an effort to beat bullies in the House of Commons.

Acting on the advice of his father, Sir Fitzwilliam Renault Espace Cameron, David is to take his first lesson at the Douglas Hird School of Martial Arts tonight.

The move comes after bullies, rumoured to include Prime Minister Gordon Brown:

  • SLASHED the tyres on the bicycle Cameron uses for photo-calls with environmentalists
  • JEERED at Cameron’s feeble policy on tax breaks for married couples
  • STOLE £5 in menaces from Cameron’s expense account.

Sir Fitzwilliam stepped in after noticing his son was off his food, and had started wetting the bed again.

“It is imperative that a lad knows how to defend himself – even at the age of 44,” said Sir Fitz, in a statement. “The lad was too scared even to walk down the corridors with these thugs spitting at him and telling him he wasn’t even fit to work at The Spectator.”

“A young lad such as David needs a bit of spunk about him if he’s going to get by in life. Karate lessons could do just that for him.”

“His mum’s been out this afternoon and bought him one of them white dressing-gown things from JJB’s.”

David Cameron refused to comment this afternoon, saying merely that his father’s intervention was “so embarrassing.”

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Gordon Brown threat to David Cameron: “I’ll deck you”

By Joseph Tiddlyfoosh

Brown: "I don't give a f*ck"

Today – in a remarkable outburst – Gordon Brown has threatened to beat up David Cameron, stating: “I don’t give a fuck.”

Prime Minister Brown sent the Conservative Party hopeful a text message at 8.22am this morning after allegations about his bullying tactics were revealed to the National Bullying Helpline in the last 18 months.

The message – sent from Brown’s Diamante diamond-decorated IPhone – reportedly said: “You better watch it you cock shit-arse. Stop steppin on my shit, or else. Gordz”

Cameron was said to be “startled” upon receiving the threat, but was defiant even in the light of Brown’s press conference, held this morning from his office. The Prime Minister refused to apologise to whom he described his “nemesis,” and followed the threat up with a CCTV video of himself “decking” Nick Clegg in the toilets of a London pub.

“I don’t give a fuck – just ask Cleggy,” Brown announced. “You better believe me when I say that.”

Staff at Number 10 have reportedly been physically harmed by Gordon over the last year and a half – one man claimed to have been grabbed “by the lapels” and shouted at by the Labour Party Leader.  Another received what Brown described as an ‘Uber-Wedgie’ – an act that consists of rubbing salt into the gusset of the victim’s underwear before lifting said underwear over their head, apparently learnt from a “German Brothel experience gone sour.”

Cameron said at lunch today that he would be “ready and waiting” for Brown and that if: “Gordon doesn’t give a fuck, than I give even less of a fuck.”

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