Controversial Artworks Unveiled: Audience Shocked/Aroused

By Richard Stephenson, Art Correspondent

"Me So Sexy" by Felicity Croonstitch

“When I saw the painting, I literally had to wrestle with my body’s desire to vomit everywhere.”

These poignant words were spoken by a disgusted art enthusiast at last night’s ‘Bestial Passions’ art show in Croydon, London. Unfortunately she lost the battle, simultaneously voiding both her stomach and her bowels all over the polished marble floor.

After the ten minute clean-up operation, many punters were left wondering one of two things:

• Can the essence of art and artistic creation be located in the intentionally shocking and disturbing images of masterbating cats and self-harming chimpanzees?

Or:

• Where can I find a lengthy roll of ultra-absorbent kitchen towel with which to wipe the inside of my underwear?

If you are anything like this journalist, you will probably have answered the former ‘No,’ and been clever enough to have worn two pears of boxer shorts.