Shocking New Evidence in Eeyore Suicide Probe

By Stephen Richardson

RIP: Depressed donkey, Eeyore

Scotland Yard released new evidence this week that led to the arrest of yet another suspect in the Eeyore suicide drama.

Doctors who carried out the postmortem on the grumpy ass found astronomical levels of high-dosage sleeping medication known as risperidone. Other intoxicants, including heroin, were also said to be present in his blood.

Eeyore was found face down in a pool of his own vomit last Tuesday leading to rumours that he took his own life. It was later revealed that the unfortunate donkey had accrued over £100,000 worth of debt on credit and high-interest store cards. He had also to care for his brother who was recently shot accidentally by a farmer, leaving him in a permanent vegetative state. Everyone began to believe that these burdens simply became too much for Eeyore.

But Scotland Yard recently discovered that faeces found in close proximity to the body actually belonged to a third-party. Orange fibres were also taken from a soiled blanket wrapped around the corpse, and circular prints in the dirt were photographed, measured and collected as evidence.

Tigger became the third resident of the Hundred Acre Wood to be taken into custody, but police believe him to be a likely culprit. The orange fibres were matched to his coat, and his tail was measured against prints found in the dirt. Police then carried out a raid on the creepy feline’s apartment where they found cocaine, amphetamines, ritalin and viagra. They also found sleeping pills and heroin.

Take a Kill Pill: Faeces places Tigger at scene of crime

“Its all still very shocking and raw,” a stunned Winnie-the-Pooh retorts. “Back in the day, Tigger was always our go-to guy for uppers and downers of various sorts, but I thought that was all in the past. Its all very sad.”

Police are now building a strong case against Tigger, claiming he supplied narcotics with prior knowledge of Eeyore’s unstable mental condition.

Outspoken resident, Rabbit was all too keen to testify in the case. During the ongoing court case he has reportedly said, “We all knew what was going on in Eeyore’s head. We’d all take it in turns to go down to his shelter and clean the semen stains off the walls. He was in a bad place, and Tigger knew it.” A motive is yet to be officially established.

“I knew it would all turn to shit eventually,” said Christopher Robin – now 58. “That wood is a fucking disgrace.”

His words, though harsh, do appear to hold some truth. Last year Hundred Acre Wood was hit by a scandal involving Owl – a resident teacher – who was charged with four counts of child molestation, two counts of rape and 26 counts of manufacturing and selling child pornography.