David Cameron gives bullies the CHOP

By Vaginal Dryness-Smith

Hi-ya! - David Cameron to take Karate lessons

Opposition leader David Cameron is to begin karate lessons this week, in an effort to beat bullies in the House of Commons.

Acting on the advice of his father, Sir Fitzwilliam Renault Espace Cameron, David is to take his first lesson at the Douglas Hird School of Martial Arts tonight.

The move comes after bullies, rumoured to include Prime Minister Gordon Brown:

• SLASHED the tyres on the bicycle Cameron uses for photo-calls with environmentalists

• JEERED at Cameron’s feeble policy on tax breaks for married couples

• STOLE £5 in menaces from Cameron’s expense account.

Sir Fitzwilliam stepped in after noticing his son was off his food, and had started wetting the bed again.

“It is imperative that a lad knows how to defend himself – even at the age of 44,” said Sir Fitz, in a statement. “The lad was too scared even to walk down the corridors with these thugs spitting at him and telling him he wasn’t even fit to work at The Spectator.”

“A young lad such as David needs a bit of spunk about him if he’s going to get by in life. Karate lessons could do just that for him.”

“His mum’s been out this afternoon and bought him one of them white dressing-gown things from JJB’s.”

David Cameron refused to comment this afternoon, saying merely that his father’s intervention was “so embarrassing.”

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Gordon Brown threat to David Cameron: “I’ll deck you”

By Joseph Tiddlyfoosh

Brown: "I don't give a f*ck"

Today – in a remarkable outburst – Gordon Brown has threatened to beat up David Cameron, stating: “I don’t give a fuck.”

Prime Minister Brown sent the Conservative Party hopeful a text message at 8.22am this morning after allegations about his bullying tactics were revealed to the National Bullying Helpline in the last 18 months.

The message – sent from Brown’s Diamante diamond-decorated IPhone – reportedly said: “You better watch it you cock shit-arse. Stop steppin on my shit, or else. Gordz”

Cameron was said to be “startled” upon receiving the threat, but was defiant even in the light of Brown’s press conference, held this morning from his office. The Prime Minister refused to apologise to whom he described his “nemesis,” and followed the threat up with a CCTV video of himself “decking” Nick Clegg in the toilets of a London pub.

“I don’t give a fuck – just ask Cleggy,” Brown announced. “You better believe me when I say that.”

Staff at Number 10 have reportedly been physically harmed by Gordon over the last year and a half – one man claimed to have been grabbed “by the lapels” and shouted at by the Labour Party Leader.  Another received what Brown described as an ‘Uber-Wedgie’ – an act that consists of rubbing salt into the gusset of the victim’s underwear before lifting said underwear over their head, apparently learnt from a “German Brothel experience gone sour.”

Cameron said at lunch today that he would be “ready and waiting” for Brown and that if: “Gordon doesn’t give a fuck, than I give even less of a fuck.”

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